The Test of Change
My wife and I have recently been dealing with many changes in our lives as our kids grow up and become their own ‘persons.’ We recently had one child get married and moved to Oregon, another one that gave birth to our second grandchild and moved to Virginia, and three that are spending their summer break from college working at retreat centers far away. The last one at home is growing up fast, mourning the changes with his older siblings, while becoming more independent himself. In the midst of it all, my wife and I have had to deal with a plethora of emotions and challenges. As I have said to my adult children just recently, “it seems that my life is decreasing as your lives are increasing.”
I know this sounds dramatic and depressing, but in many ways, it is true. My parenting role is decreasing. My energy level is decreasing. My kid’s dependence on me is decreasing. On the positive side, my food bills, household noise levels, and expenses are also decreasing. With all of these changes though, my wife and I have had to learn to navigate through them, grieve the losses, and readjust our plans moving forward. Sometimes there is just no easy way to do it. We must bear these crosses that come with having and loving children. They bring so much to our life that we feel the great void when even one of them is missing. If spouses are not careful, however, these changes can create a deep divide between them.
What have my wife and I learned? First, always work on your marriage so that when your kids leave someday, you do not also find that you have lost knowing who your spouse is. Second, when your children are still with you, together with your spouse, make every day memorable even if you do it only in small ways. Third, when you go through the trials as a couple, do not force each other to “get back to a happy state.” Sometimes, we just need to cry together and embrace each other through it. It will not kill you. Be patient and work together with your spouse on building a new ‘normal’ in your life. However, most of all, keep praying together and asking God to guide you through every stage.
ACTION STEP: This week, seek new ways to work together with your spouse through your current trials. Stop trying to bear them alone or allowing your spouse to bear them alone.