Better Not Bitter

In every challenge of life, we have choices. Choices to act, react, or do nothing. Some actions are wise and some are unwise; some actions are thought through and some come out of pure emotion; some actions are selfish and some are selfless, and the list goes on. The reality is that, even with the best of intentions, we all are going to make mistakes throughout our life. It’s not a question of if, but when. But the greater question is: “What are you going to do with the consequences – learn and grow or grumble and look for someone or something else to blame?”

We all make mistakes in life, but the question we all need to answer is: “Are the mistakes made in life, especially in marriage, going to make us better or bitter?” Many couples that I work with in therapy often don’t learn from their mistakes, have tons of excuses for their actions, refuse to apologize, and are incredulous when their spouse won’t just “let it go and move on.” But we can’t just ‘move on’ because there is a lingering fear that the hurtful behavior will happen again and again. When actions, that are unhelpful to our relationship, don’t change, because of our stubbornness and pride, there is strong tendency for spouses to become hopeless and bitter.

God calls us to be ‘help-mates’ to our spouse, which necessitates our willingness to learn from our mistakes and to work to improve from them for the sake of the wellbeing of our marriage. We are called to apologize and to improve and to see this as a positive, and ultimately to become better. Combining lives together requires a willingness to work together, to learn, and to grow. This is an opportunity to stretch ourselves and develop; to become better. But, when we are self-focused, at the expense of our spouse, we encourage bitterness.

So, again, is our marital trials inspiring humility and growth, or pride and frustration, to becoming better or bitter. My encouragement is that our ‘sacrament of sacrifice,’ our marriage, has the great blessing of challenging us to be better, but only if we work at it. 

ACTION STEP: This week, seek to learn from mistakes rather than deflecting the blame and learn how to become better in, at least, one area of your relationship.