Sub-Mission - Part 4

“For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31).

I would love to focus on the beauty of the gift of husband and wife becoming one flesh through the gift of sacramental grace. However, I would instead like to address another issue I often see in marriage therapy. Part of becoming one with another person requires us to “leave our father and mother,” who (hopefully) have been our protectors, providers, and teachers throughout our childhoods. Because we are formed by our parents for the first 17-18 years of our lives, we usually become very attached to them. Even if our homes were chaotic or dysfunctional, most of us feel a certain loyalty towards our parents and have some desire for connection to or healing with them. 

Because of this loyalty, though, in-laws sometimes have a reputation for being “meddlers” or for having more of our spouse’s attention and dedication than we do. I often remind couples that a healthy marriage involves spouses making ‘each other’ the first priority (after God, of course). This is because of the vow we all make in marriage as well as the warning we are all given by Christ Himself in Mark 10:9: “Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate.” This isn’t just about not having affairs; it’s also about not allowing anyone to destroy our unity.

I am certainly not advocating that you neglect your parents. We are all called by God to honor and care for our parents (Matthew 15:4), and we must always strive to do this when possible. However, if our parents start to create division or animosity between us and our spouse, we must work as a team to safeguard each other’s emotional, physical, and spiritual wellbeing by setting boundaries with the in-laws. 

ACTION STEP: This week, spend time talking with your spouse about any family connections or friendships that you feel are creating struggles for your marital unity. If needed, start setting some boundaries for these relationships (Examples could be something like: Only talk on phone so you can end the bad interactions that can’t be redirected, or defend your spouse when there is unfair or demeaning interactions with family, or build a list of “things to not discuss, etc.).